


You Bring Out the Worst in Me

by CoyoteInClothing



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Consent Issues, Coping, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Has Issues, F/F, Freeform, Gen, Healing, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love/Hate, Mental Health Issues, One-Sided Attraction, Redemption, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2019-10-26 03:34:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17738219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoyoteInClothing/pseuds/CoyoteInClothing
Summary: The war is over. Gems are free to live how they want, on Earth or remain on HomeWorld. But, with peace comes change. And with change comes challenges. Some aren't keen with changes so quick. And others have scars too deep to heal. All Lapis wants is a sense of normalcy, and all Jasper wants is to feel if her self worth is worth fighting for. It takes time to heal old wounds. But some can't heal alone.// Takes place after the events of Change Your Mind \\Proper trigger warnings will be given before each chapter if necessary/included in the chapter.





	1. We Meet Again

The war was over.

 

After years of grief and years of pain bottled up within soldiers loyal to their causes, the battle was no more. No more losses, no more casualties, and no more suffering. When came the end of the era, arose a new one from the ashes like a phoenix reborn. It wasn't uncommon that some diplomatic meetings took place between those from HomeWorld and those from Earth, discussing matters of what to do with the now freed colonies, as well as the peace between worlds and species. It was the new beginning to a new world, one that would foresee Gem and human as allies.

 

Quite some Gems were easily swooned into becoming Crystal Gems themselves and stay on Earth, while others stayed on their home planet but no longer as pawns of war. The Diamonds met to discuss how the new caste system would be, and how places such as the Zoo would operate.

 

The change was new. For most it meant relief, especially veterans who had fought from the very beginning. And, on the other hand, for some it was hard to cope with quickly. Change was sudden, abrupt, introduced just newly. It would take a bit longer for this crowd to come to terms of acceptance with the changes.

 

Among this crowd was two certain Gems; one who was troubled in her mind upon being flung into a new set of rules and a new leader to obey, the other not so keen with a world so fresh as compared to the olden ways. One had believed she had been fighting an enemy all along only to discover she had been fighting her own superior in disguise, the other fighting everything and everyone that had approached her with different morals than the ones they had before. Change could be good, change could be bad. Change was... confusing.

 

As Lapis Lazuli stared out at the vastness of space from where she stood near the wide window of the building, all she could think about was two things; her place as part of a new family, and her past that continued to play with her head. Though the war was over, she still had issues getting over the events that had happened to her months or years ago. And stars, was she impressively good at hiding her emotions when it came to it. Only a few times had she caved in and collapsed under the weight of her emotions, in which had ended up in bursts of yelling or clenching her fists at her sides. Other than that, she kept silent, kept to herself about such matters by preference.

 

It had been a few months ago since she had reformed with a new outfit that showed off her new alliance, and a few months ago since she fought against her own previous superiors for her own freedom to choose who she listened to and choose where she lived. The time on Earth hadn't been much good for her skin especially so much time in the sunlight, instead of gaining dots of enriched melanin like a human, she gained a few speckles and tiny patches of gold. It was ironic, given that her kind got less valuable the more pyrite or calcite was visible. But, she didn't care. If it helped, it was like a sign of her own individuality.

 

Though with came individuality, came self questioning and discovering the place in life. And although she had Peridot to help her get used to the idea of Earth, the idea of settling in completely as one among the rest of the Crystal Gems was going to take time. She still hung onto her past like it were a bush of thorns that had her snared, poking into her wings and puncturing into her skin. If she thrashed around too much, she'd only harm herself more and give herself deeper wounds. Her grudges ran deep like river water, bleeding into her head until she had her outlook on life carved like a rock.

 

She was free, but at a price. She had hardly done much to help in the first place. All she primarily did was leave everyone on their own and to figure out the situation on hand by themselves. All she did was run. And now, stuck in a place where it would be even more unjust to keep running, she was frozen in time.

 

Dark pools of navy were transfixed on the many stars outside. The ocean Gem couldn't recall for how long she had been staring, studying balls of gas that were set ablaze in patterns of scorching light. It was always long when the Diamonds held meetings with Steven and the other Gems, and most of the time she preferred to avoid the conversation as much as possible by staying back on Earth or stepping out of the room. To confront her history now was like stepping onto cracked ice. She wasn't ready to face her former superior in means of settling old wounds instead of fighting against the tide. She didn't even know what would happen if she stepped in and gave her own thoughts of what 'peace' was. For her, she didn't know the definition yet. Peace was... foreign. All her life, she had been running and living in fear. Peace was alien.

 

As Lapis settled down against the wall next to the window, leaning back against the structure while minding her gemstone, she took a moment to relish in the quiet before it was broken. Her head perked at the sound of someone heading her way, and immediately she let out a groan of irritation before she crossed her arms over her chest, turning her attention to down the hallway to see who was approaching.

 

Her guess was either Steven going to go fetch another leftover corrupted Gem that he and his guardians had captured for the Diamonds to help, or Pearl going to deliver news back and forth like a bumbling bird that wouldn't shut its beak about peace agreements and treaties between all colonies and both planets. Who she hadn't expected to see lumbering down the halls was a face she had only seen in nightmares of painted black and white.

 

**Jasper.**

 

Lapis' body flinched, her eyes wide in shock. She hadn't seen the quartz since their ordeal underwater, and neither did she have the energy nor motivation to deal with confronting her past now. Especially if it was to do with Jasper. Sharply inhaling a breath through her mouth, even if Gems didn't require the necessity to breathe, she turned away and tried to disappear further down the hall of the large building where negotiations were held on HomeWorld. If she was lucky, Jasper wouldn't recognize her and mistake her for someone else with her new outfit.

 

"... _You_."

 

And luck wasn't on her side today. Lapis had stopped in her tracks, head held high and fists now clenched at her sides as she stayed put, refusing to move or show any sign that she was fazed. Her physical expression was nonchalant, her perfect shield to masking her true emotions held within.

 

The footsteps came closer, like a beast dragging its weight forward on steady legs upon a field of marbled ground. Lapis waited. Inside, she was an ocean, waiting to topple a sinking ship or be consumed by a tsunami.

 

"They didn't tell me you were here."

 

Jasper sounded surprised, _shocked_ even. Though she still retained the gruffness of her voice.

 

Lapis slowly moved her head alone so that she could see the quartz behind her, standing a few feet away. Jasper was different like everyone else. Adorned on the other's head was a set of two bull-like horns, and an outfit that was too puzzling to figure out what alignment she now belonged to.

 

"... Neither did they tell me you were here," Lapis retorted. She took a step back when Jasper stepped forward, tension heavy as smog in the air between the two of them.

 

The quartz seemed to get the message that she shouldn't come any closer, and thus stopped. "I thought I'd never see your face again."

 

"Same for you." Though Lapis sounded more furious.

 

Jasper nodded, scratching her head. "Lapis-"

 

"Don't." Lapis firmly narrowed her eyes. " _Never_ say my name again."

 

A pregnant pause fell between the two. It was a staring contest, a test to see who'd cave first.

 

Jasper was the one who lost. "So, a lot happened," she murmured.

 

"Mhm." Lapis didn't seem interested in continuing the conversation.

 

Jasper huffed. "They told me everything in there. They told me about my Diamond, and that... she..."

 

"Is Steven," Lapis finished. "And Steven isn't her. He's Steven."

 

Jasper looked dumbfounded. "It's weird," she commented.

 

"He's her offspring. He's part of her. He's technically your..." Lapis trailed off.

 

"Diamond. He's technically my Diamond," Jasper finished this time. "I could have figured. The whole time I wasn't fighting who I thought I was fighting. I was still respecting my Diamond, except we were enemies and I never knew."

 

"Until now," Lapis pointed out. She shook her head, turning away. "Look, I don't want to talk."

 

Jasper sheepishly shied away a little. "Oh. Uh... yeah. Yeah, I get it. I know-"

 

"I don't want to talk." Lapis repeated what she had said, firmly this time. "Leave me alone." The blue Gem started to walk away. Jasper however, followed after her and then grabbed her shoulder once she was near, causing Lapis to suddenly spin around and face her once more. "Leave. Me. Alone," she hissed.

 

"I don't want to fight," Jasper reasoned with a frown.

 

"Get off of me!"

 

Realizing what she was doing, Jasper awkwardly pulled her hand away, refraining from touching the other again.

 

Lapis shot a hardened glare at her.

 

Jasper bit her bottom lip, the splatters of green on her striped skin like moss growing in a place it shouldn't be. "I didn't come to fight you, Lapis. If I did, I would have had a plan already and executed it. Swiftly."

 

"You saying my name makes me want to throw up."

 

"Then what should I call you? _Brat_?"

 

Lapis' brows furrowed before she moved one hand, attempting to reach up and slap Jasper across the face without thinking of her actions beforehand. And, Jasper let her. The quartz did nothing as she _allowed_ Lapis to hit her, taking a few steps back on her own free will afterward to set a bit of space between them again. She didn't even bother with tending to the sting on her cheek.

 

Another silence fell upon them.

 

"I didn't... come to fight you," Jasper repeated, solemnly.

  
  
"Then why are you here?" Lapis spat, wiping her hand against her pants like she would get a disease from touching Jasper.

 

"I came here to make sure the rest of my... sisters, were healed," Jasper explained, seeming to have had trouble with the word 'sisters'. "I didn't expect you to be here, and, now that we're here..."

 

Lapis tensed.

 

"I just wanted to tell you something." Jasper kept her distance.

 

"Sorry doesn't cut it," Lapis snapped.

 

"Even if you _also_ were a horrible Gem? You're not the angel you think you are. I'm not the only villain. Look at what you did, Lapis. Amethyst told me a few things about what you did after we split. You run away and leave people behind. You leave people behind, because you couldn't use them any more."

 

"That's not true." Lapis gritted her teeth.

 

"Then explain Peridot. And explain me."

 

"You are a different situation," Lapis answered.

 

"Then explain why you left Peridot, and took her barn place away. Explain why you broke her tape recorder. I know you aren't a Sea Spire moon goddess, Lapis. And neither am I."

 

"... You also talked to Peridot, didn't you?" Lapis felt her body boil with anger. "Amethyst didn't know about the tape recorder thing."

 

"I can talk to whoever I want! I'm one of them now too. I'm trying to mend what I did wrong. I feel like an absolute mudwad for fighting my own Diamond for centuries. If I had actually gotten my hands on Rose- Steven... I could've _killed_ her. I could've _shattered_ my own Diamond, and all I want now is to prove my loyalty. I want to fix everything now that I know everything."

 

"You of all Gems can never be fixed!" Lapis shouted, standing her ground as she stood tall. "You can never be good! You're a _murderer_."

 

Jasper's lips curled into an unhappy frown. "Then that makes two of us." She began to leave back to where she came. "You fought in the war too. Don't think you're home free because you had Steven to protect you. At least a war veteran like me wants to change for the better. What are you going to do?"

 

Lapis watched the quartz leave, fighting back the urge to fight. Instead, she chose the instinct of fleeing, and began to depart as well.

 

Change was hard to accept.


	2. I Awaken with the Thunder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunate news reaches Lapis, while meanwhile at the Beta Kindergarten, the quartzes attempt a new beginning for themselves.

"Jasper is not going to live here."

 

The idea was absurd to Lapis. Letting Jasper of all Gems stay at the Temple... Besides, the quartzes had all been living in the gorges of their Kindergartens since they had been healed or freed from HomeWorld rule! And they also had the choice to live on HomeWorld if they still wanted to! So, it was completely unreasonable to have some Gems stay here for a few days after being just fine without any sleepovers.

 

"But, Lapis! It'll only be a while. She could help us!" Steven reasoned. "It's hard finding the rest of the other corrupted Gems too. She knows how to find them-"

 

" _No_." Lapis remained firm with her opinion, sitting down on the couch with her arms folded.

 

"I'm kind of with Lapis on this one," Peridot barged in as she entered the living room. "Jasper and her clods were doing fine without us. And we can find the rest of the corrupted Gems still out there without her help! I'm here after all. I managed to take down a corrupted Gem like Jasper, it shouldn't be too hard to take the rest of them."

 

"But if we don't find all of them-"

 

"Steven," Lapis interrupted. "No. I'm not... okay with this."

 

Steven looked disappointed, his empathy lingering on both sides of the coin and unsure of what to do. "I want to help her just as much as she could help us. Jasper's been through a lot too. She's hurting."

 

"So?" Lapis raised a brow.

 

"We're hurting too. The barn is totally destroyed, and we're stuck living in your bathroom until we can find a new place," Peridot replied. "And mind you, I've been content living in your chambers for a while, but Lapis finds it too confining."

 

"Pearl says there should be rooms for you both here soon," Steven shrugged. "It's just gonna take a while though because we also need a room for Bismuth and the door is gonna look like some weird squiggly shape with the gems on it."

 

"It's not gonna be a star anymore and it's gonna be humiliating," Peridot hummed. "I should have my room by Garnet's, I'm the leader of the Crystal Gems when she's not around. Who wouldn't like to have the great and lovable Peridot leading the Crystal Gems?"

 

"Me," Lapis blinked. "No offense."

 

"None taken!" Peridot grinned.

 

"Guys, it's not going to be long, maybe... a week at most?" Steven brought back the main topic of conversation.

 

"Ugh. That's too long," Lapis muttered. And having to share the same living space with Jasper?! No. No way.

 

"How does three days sound?" Steven suggested.

 

"Steven-" Lapis started.

 

"Sorry."

 

Lapis sighed before she got up from the couch, heading outside without another word.

 

Peridot waited until the ocean Gem had left before she spoke. "I have to come to a confession, it's kind of weird mentioning Jasper by name again," she brought up, adjusting her shades. "I can stand having her around again now that she's less barbaric, and given I'm not stuck with her on a ship again where I'd have to deal with her annoying vocal chords, but I can't say the same for Lapis. I always refrained from using the J-word around her if at all. She's still kind of messed up about Jasper and the fusing idea."

 

"I feel bad for her," Steven mumbled. "Both Lapis and Jasper. We're family now, buuut it's hard trying to figure things out so everybody can be happy."

 

"Ooh, what did Yellow Diamond say when you went to go and talk with her again? Did she mention me? I'm kind of a big deal now," Peridot bragged.

 

Steven shook his head, and Peridot made a sound of dismay. "She wanted to move the bubbled rose quartzes somewhere. I suggested that perhaps we could free them all instead and have them live here on earth with us! Even if my mom wasn't shattered by a rose quartz after all, the Diamonds seem iffy with it." He glanced toward the door, seeming puzzled. "Jasper and Amethyst was there too. They wanted to make sure that the rose quartzes didn't get hurt for the wrong reason. Some of them came from Jasper's Kindergarten and some others came from Amethyst's. It's kind of cute. They're like sisters."

 

"Not genetically," Peridot noted. "Sisters are genetically related. We don't really have that kind of genomes or chromosome business. The Diamonds create us from their extractions or we're made from the minerals in the crust of a planet."

 

"No, no, not blood related sisters. They're like sisters as in they trust each other and grew up with each other. They have a bond," Steven explained.

 

"Bond?" Peridot raised a brow.

 

"Yeah! Bond, like, they're close. They're not blood related, but they consider each other family." Steven nervously looked to the front door again.

 

"Hmm... bond. I guess Lapis and I have a bond then," Peridot smirked. "I've only heard of organic creatures on Earth having bonds when it comes to the matin-"

 

"I'm going to check on the Gems at the Beta Kindergarten," Steven spoke up quick before Peridot could finish, dashing away to the Warp Pad.

\--------------

 _You're a murderer_.

 

The words echoed in a mindless repeat in the former warmonger's head. Jasper could remember the face of every past Gem she had ever fought, some more faint than others, but she could also remember the crunch of their shards beneath her fingers or beneath the force of her crash helmet. She was no saint herself, she had killed many just as others had done. Neither was she innocent, having been exposed to the emotional and physical trauma of war. But, she had just been following orders. Her loyalty was what kept the beast inside her alive, a wolf consuming hearts one by one for the satisfaction of its father moon. It was because of loyalty and because of orders that she had fought for HomeWorld, and had gone on missions involving bloodshed or wounded victims.

 

_Sorry didn't cut it._

 

_You can never be good._

 

She wanted to. For her Diamond. Pink- no, Steven now. Steven... The name was new, odd, upon her tongue. It was going to take time for her to accept her new superior and the new form. Her head always ached or itched nowadays, but she was luckier than others who had been healed. Some didn't even look Gem anymore.

 

It pained her.

 

The wounds of war weren't just emotional anymore. The aftermath was physical, plain as day on her face and skin. She had fought tooth and claw to please, to satisfy, to appeal to the masses and live up to her title. If she wasn't perfect, than she was a disappointment. If she was a disappointment, then she was a failure. And all failures ended up shattered.

 

But those were the old ways. So, why did she still share the mindset from years ago? From an era formerly known?

 

Touching at one of the horns that sprouted on her forehead, Jasper winced lightly. Forever she was going to be reminded for her past sins. This, was what she deserved.

 

"Hey, sis!" Amethyst, the runt- no, undercooked- ugh- ally, called her over. Life was decent so far in the gorges of her home, the desert of the Beta Kindergarten was unscathed by time, the sandstone still crisp. But now, it was once again filled with quartzes trying to make a new start for themselves, with makeshift shelters built of wood or sandstone or glass. This was her family, the faces she grew up and trained with. Except for Amethyst of course, but without her, none of them would know where to even begin. Occasionally, Bismuth would come around and give pointers on building civilization, as well as the few other blacksmith Gems that had been on HomeWorld their whole lives.

 

Life was good. For now.

 

They were free. But, not mentally.

 

"Sis!" Amethyst called again, and this time Jasper stood up to go over and see what the purple runt needed. "Check this out! Skinny found out how to get water!"

 

 _Water_? Why on earth would they need that crap? And, water...

 

The images of Lapis flashed through Jasper's head. How angry she looked, how much she hated her, the _fear_ -...

 

"Water?" Jasper scoffed.

 

Skinny, the jasper who had her nickname for a reason, pressed down into a small hole that she had dug, applying pressure until the hardened sand seemed to give way and water began to seep up through the cracks. "Must be an oasis here before," she smiled.

 

"Isn't that neat?" Amethyst beamed. "You guys could have some cool ass boat races! Or, you could use the water to fight each other with. Pearl hates it when I do anything fun."

 

"Fight each other?" Skinny was dumbfounded.

 

"Like this!" Amethyst sneered, grabbing a handful of water before she tossed it at Skinny. Skinny returned the gesture by grabbing her own handful of water, but missed throwing it to Amethyst.

 

"Okay, you're cheating," Skinny accused with a chill tone of tease at her failure of splashing back. "I've never even touched this before."

 

"But now you have. How does it feel, sis? Hey, Jasper, get in on this!" Amethyst invited. "The water's fine!"

 

Jasper only watched for a few more seconds before she headed off, not wanting to deal with anything water related for now. It would've been better to leave her out of it anyway.

 

"What's her deal?" Amethyst raised a brow before she was welcomed to a huge splash of water in her face as well as a few new faces near the small watering hole. "Oh- now you're cheating, Skinny! You can't have Sharky do the water business for you! Not without Carnelian on my team! Get over here, dude!"

\----------------

Even when the sun had set, Jasper was still bothered by the water topic. She had chosen a peak in the crags to sit alone, watching the others from a distance. Pi- Steven had arrived a few hours earlier, assisting the quartzes that wanted to make the watering hole bigger. It was still stupid in her opinion. Why bother with having water in the gorge? What was the need for it? As far as she was concerned, she just wanted to survive.

 

The large Gem touched her horns again, letting the silhouette of them that she traced with her index finger settle into her mind. She looked hideous. She was a beast. And now she looked the part. Perfect quartz- pah, what a scam. She was the most bloodthirsty, the most eager, the most fabulous quartz that there had been, bred purely for war and for the tearing of enemy armies, but here she was now, in a pitiful and sorry state of consequences she believed that she deserved.

 

Lapis was still on her mind. So was Malachite. The sheer force of her power alone could've torn worlds apart like a cat ripping at yarn balls. They could've destroyed armies by the dozens, made the battlefield stained in bloody red. To have that power would be like to be put on a high, to be able to crush all who opposed her in the surface of her palm.

 

She had to do something. She was bothered by her thoughts. Jasper pondered back and forth between if she should've stayed fully corrupted and mindless, or awake in the head but damaged. But, what could she do? Apologize? It was pathetic, especially for her status. The war was over. Yet, it continued in her head.

 

Taking one last look at her sisters almighty and the forces of the quartzes that survived to this day, Jasper let the hot winds of the desert blaze her skin before she slunk away to the nearest Warp Pad. She had to do something. She wanted to do something. She wanted to know if Lapis felt the same. She wanted to know if Lapis also thought about power and ruling regime.

 

She wanted to know if it'd be worth trying to change at all. Her words could only go so far, but actions were most preferred in both human and Gemkind.


	3. You can Run, but you can't Hide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More tension ensues.

A week. Three days. Two days. Even two hours alone of being near Jasper would be sure enough to drive Lapis insane. It didn't matter how short the time near the quartz was. She knew that if she had to stand Jasper's presence, she'd fall out of balance with the war in her head and lose, thus succumb to the weight of trauma and fear. She could drown.

 

Besides, what was she to do? Simply forget the screams of Malachite? The bubbles lodged in her throat that she couldn't choke out? The terror and cold waves of ragged violence raging at her wrists threatening to tear her hands off? Some would say she was stubborn for being so persistent with sticking to the past instead of looking forward to the future. But, in her defense? The past shaped who she was now, and gave her important lessons not to forget. She regretted some things, if not all. She felt like a ship caught out at sea, wrapped up in the blazes of a whirlpool. Nobody could pull her out of the tar. And nobody could help her find land.

 

Lapis let her water wings fan out to their full length as she stood on top of the lighthouse, her gaze focused on the sea like a lost selkie dreaming of home among the foamy waves and mysterious waters. The night approaching was cold, just like her heart and the ocean far below.

 

Freedom felt like eating a bowl of good fruit after a while of malnutrition- the first bite was beautiful, juicy and tender, ripe with flavor. But, the bites after that couldn't compare. Freedom sounded like heaven to most. And to her, freedom was an illusion. The definition of having free will seemed... flawed. She could do whatever she want, if she wanted to, she could jump off of the lighthouse, but forever she was prisoner to her own head. To her own memories.

 

She could shatter herself. But, the price would be hefty. Immortality for Malachite would still remain. Even if she was freed from the fear in her head, she'd forever remember the toil under the waves. And that was how Malachite still existed, through memory and vain. It was a cruel game, an unfair imprint. The fusion would live forever without even existing again.

 

A draft from the sea caught her attention, drawing the blue Gem into jumping off of the lighthouse with wings outspread. They caught the draft smoothly, and soon she was floating in a night sky over the waves. Her reflection danced on the surface beneath her, the sea sparkling like wine in a glass. Ripples of water greeted her the further she flew along, and eventually she was met with a few faces of flying fish leaping about in perfect half moon curves in and out of the saltwater.

 

Lapis wondered if fish had any feelings. She wondered if they instinctively knew how to fly too. Did fish have memories? Did fish know the difference between being sentient or not? Did they know how to swim since hatching? Or was it all just programmed inside them, controlling them without their thought to? If she had to question fish, she doubted that she was getting any better in the mind.

 

Fish were fish. And she? A Gem. A Gem who had been frightened of the ocean and had to gradually work towards trusting it again. After all, she was doomed if she stayed away from it forever, it being her element and all. Without water, she wasn't a lazuli. And without knowing who she was, she was lost. Alone.

 

The moonlight had captured the essence of the golden speckles on her body, making them glitter like gold made for fools. Too much time on Earth had caused the blotches, and could it be the same for...?

 

No. Jasper had been a monster in receiving her blotches. Green with envy, for power. Even the horns on her head screamed devil. Lapis could just about feel herself trapped under the ocean again, met with those piercing yellow eyes of a wolf who had snarling jaws ready to consume her and everything she cared about.

 

The draft came to a turn back to shore as it repelled warmer air, and she let it guide her back toward land. With a flap of her wings, Lapis soared higher away from the water, away from the flying fish whose scales shone in silver. The sands of Beach City came into view soon, and she didn't waste time in landing. Her wings battered the sky until her shoes touched ground, and only then did the pair of water wings on her back retreat into her gemstone.

 

Lapis didn't even bother with the sea any more as she began walking back towards the Temple, back to her misery and back to being confronted by Peridot's shenanigans and Steven's pink-hearted innocence.

 

But, the sound of sand crunching made her pause.

 

A familiar scene like from the HomeWorld negotiation building was unfolding. She didn't want to face it. She could choose flight or fight-

 

"I thought you'd be somewhere around here." Jasper's looming figure had stepped into view from the shadows, looking like a black shuck that had came to warn her of her foreseen death.

 

Lapis stepped back, head held low as if she were a snarling snake edging away from its enemy. "You're following me," she said right off the bat, angered. "Again." But this time, there was no Steven and no boat. Nor open sea. Just the sand and the moon.

 

"Follow-? No. I wasn't following you," Jasper retorted.

 

"Yes you are." Lapis wasn't buying it. She had to get out of here. If she had to, the whole ocean could bend to her will. If she had to, she'd stir up a storm and bring the heavens down upon the quartz. She could kill. She could _murder_.

 

"How could I have followed you without a trail to follow?" Jasper reasoned. "I came looking for you. There's a difference."

 

"Not if you're me." Lapis kept her eyes firmly on the other.

 

"And, thank stars I'm not." Jasper took a step forward before she stopped. The beast sat down, and Lapis wished a crab was hiding underneath so it could pinch her. "We need to talk."

 

"Not this again," Lapis groaned, already eager to leave. Yet, she moved not a muscle. "I don't need your pity."

 

"It's not me asking for forgiveness, your highness," Jasper mocked in a cocky tone. Lapis wanted to chuck a rock at her. "I just... want to ask you something."

 

"Oh. I get it. You want to fuse with me," Lapis jumped to conclusions, distancing herself from Jasper. "That's why you came all the way out here. ... You still want her, don't you?"

 

"You're being ridiculous- no. For the first time in my life, I didn't come here to court you," Jasper defended herself.

 

"Then why are you here?"

 

"Let me explain!"

 

Silence. The familiar kind. Lapis and Jasper were locked in a battle of staring, shooting knives at each other through gaze alone.

 

"You miss her too, don't you?" Jasper spoke quietly. Lapis glared. "It's why you mentioned her."

 

"I mentioned her because you tricked me-"

 

"Tricked you how? The same way you tricked me to keep me underwater?" Jasper pointed out.

 

"That was to keep Steven safe."

 

Jasper covered her face with one hand. Guilt was plastered across her face. "To keep my own Diamond safe... I should thank you."

 

"That's gross." Lapis crossed her arms.

 

"Hmph. No need to compliment me like that."

 

"It wasn't a compliment."

 

Jasper tilted her head. "Funny. You speak sarcasm, but you can't identify it. You're an interesting pebble."

 

"Just... get on with it. Or leave me alone." Although Lapis wanted to leave, she didn't. She wanted to hear what this monster had to say. Begging for forgiveness? Wanting to trick her into fusing? There was so many possibilities when it came to Jasper.

 

"What can I do?" Jasper finally spoke. Soft, this time. Lapis didn't cave in however. Jasper could have the sweetest voice ever and she'd forever ignore her words. "What can I do that'd prove that I'm not trying to hurt you? I can see by the way you clench your fists and look at me, you want to pummel me into the ground. If you wanted to, you could drown me again with your nifty water tricks. We're right by the water, Lapis."

 

"Say my name again and I will drown you."

 

Jasper took note of those words. She slowly nodded, then stood up, heading closer to the shore where the tide was. Lapis watched, closer than a hungry dingo watching an unattended baby in a basket. The quartz blankly stared down at the saltwater before she knelt down and cupped some of it into her hand, standing up afterward to watch the water drain out of her grasp. "At the Beta Kindergarten, we have a watering hole now," she said. Like as if Lapis cared. "I don't know why, but the others seem to like it."

 

Lapis said nothing.

 

"Probably not as much as you'd like it."

 

Lapis groaned. "I'm not staying with you. Neither are you staying with me," she snarled.

 

"And fine by me. I wasn't suggesting that," Jasper shrugged. She studied Lapis for a moment before speaking again. "I'm trying to get better. I want to stay strong for my sisters. You're not helping much."

 

"You're the one that keeps coming to me," Lapis huffed.

 

"You're right." Jasper glanced to the side. "It's... hard, trying not to. Besides Pink Diamond, you're the only Gem who understands me. Just as much as I understand you."

 

"You know nothing about me and I know that you're dangerous," Lapis growled.

 

"I know you more than you think. You could've shattered me here seconds ago and you _didn't_. You're interested in what I have to say. You're also finding it hard to cope with all of this, because you too can't move on. You're just as lost as I am. You don't know what to do."

 

Another silence fell upon them. Lapis wanted to shut Jasper up for good.

 

"You think anybody would want to help me after I had taken down their friends by the masses?" Jasper continued, finding the quiet too awkward to bear. "Not even my own Diamond wants to help me. She-... he would rather tend to my corrupted sisters, and his friends like you and that spunky peridot instead of help me. He has priorities. I don't blame him for that. I would've rejected helping the Gem who tried to kill me too."

 

Lapis said nothing.

 

"You on the other hand, you spite everyone and push everyone away who wants to willingly help you. You're wasting your resources." Jasper seemed envious. "They want to help you, and you don't want it. Nobody wants to help me, and I want it. This planet is my home, and I feel rotten having originated here. I'm perfect, I'm supposed to like this place and be proud where I came from! Truth is, I don't. I'm not. I _hate_ it. I hate that I'm stuck here, with Gems who I know fear me more than they want to friend me. I'm stuck with my consequences of war." She paused to catch her breath. "And I deserve all of it. We all get what we deserve, and this is mine; a corrupted, disgusting, hated piece of mud."

 

"Good. Glad we can agree on something," Lapis rolled her eyes. Jasper talked too much. It was... irritating. But yet she still didn't fly away. The fault was hers for staying and being subjected to more of the quartz's dumb venting.

 

"You're not helping." Jasper rubbed her forehead.

 

"What, do you want me to coddle you and call you starlight?" Lapis sassed.

 

"Coddling is for those who are weak. So..." Jasper removed her hand off of her face. "In my given state, I suppose so."

 

Lapis shook her head in disbelief. "Then go to your dead Diamond and suck her chest."

 

"Why would I-? Don't ever talk about he- him like that."

 

"I wasn't. I was talking about Pink Diamond. Not Steven."

 

Unaware to Lapis, she was pushing buttons. Jasper was getting riled.

 

"You are a brat," Jasper began. "Does that make you feel any better? To belittle me?"

 

"Sort of," Lapis nonchalantly shrugged.

 

"No wonder you push everyone away. If they were wise, they'd quit."

 

"They don't."

 

"I know."

 

"Are you done with your tantrum?"

 

Jasper hissed under her breath, stepping closer to Lapis. Much to the quartz's amusement and pain, the blue Gem's eyes widened as she backed away. "You could fly away if you wanted to, winged pebble. You're the one staying here, choosing to be around me. Go ahead and run off again if I bother you. Nobody I fuse with ever wants to stay anyway."

 

"Yeah. I wonder why."

 

"Are you done?!"

 

"No. Are you done?"

 

Jasper's muscles tightened. "Quit putting yourself on a pedestal and speak to me like I'm-"

 

"You're not a Gem. You're a monster." Lapis relished in seeing the recognition of the words spark in Jasper.

 

"We both are." Jasper reached out to grab Lapis' wrist right when the ocean Gem had summoned her wings, keeping her from flying off so soon. "It's why we need each other."

 

"I don't need you! I don't need anybody!" Lapis shouted.

 

"You need me because I'm just like you! Look, I'm not going to fuse with you-"

 

"Then shatter me. Get it over with. You must hate me after all I've done to you. Just look at my transgressions."

 

"Lapis, I'm not-"

 

"Shut up!"

 

Jasper stared at the blue Gem for a good few seconds before she let go, reluctantly letting Lapis fly off. She watched until Lapis was out of sight, then sighed heavily under her breath.

 

She didn't know how she was going to fix any of this. She felt alone. She felt scared. For the first time in her life, she felt unsure of everything. And she had nobody to help her.


	4. The Beast You've Made of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper has angst.

"Where did you go?"

 

"Does it matter?" Lapis was exhausted as she responded, slipping into the bathtub that had been lined with blankets and pillows with a scowl. "I come and go. You should know this by now."

 

Peridot shied away a little, making herself comfortable as she sat down beside the tub, Pumpkin scampering over to her with a bark of hello. Deciding that a new topic of conversation would be better, she went ahead and spoke, "I didn't make you uncomfortable, did I? From earlier, was it me who made you go away?"

 

"No."

 

"Oh. Okay." Peridot twiddled with her thumbs, unsure of how to approach Lapis without causing the storm to stir. She knew how prone the ocean Gem was to become agitated. She had to be careful and choose words wisely or risk stepping on glass. "How would you like your room to be once we have them?"

 

Lapis made a groan in reply.

 

"I think I'd have mine kind of like how we had the barn set up. We could even make new meep morps, better than the ones we had before! But, the aquarium would be more fashionable in your room. Mine would have a more cooler design going on, it's going to have a television and a shelf for the whole- oh. We don't... have those anymore." She frowned as she realized that the entirety of the Camp Pining Hearts collection they had was demolished like the barn. "At least Steven managed to recover that corrupted Gem I bubbled! We've decided to call her Dash, for her running skills and speed. It suits her, but I personally would've stuck with Peridot Junior."

 

"Peridot." Lapis was firm with her voice, indicating that she wanted silence.

 

"Sorry." Peridot glanced down to Pumpkin, pressing a finger to the animated gourd's mouth to gesture for her to be quiet too. Lapis was a mystery; one minute she was giggling and making immature jokes about things, the next she was grumpy and wanted the whole world to blow up. Peridot had read up about bipolar disorders on her tablet, but none seemed to compare to the swings Lapis showed. Besides, could Gems even have any form of human symptoms? Lapis was confusing, but, she still put up with her. They were friends after all! At least, she hoped. She had put a lot of effort into befriending the former terraformer and also a lot of effort into helping her get used to Earth.

 

The quiet lingered for a long while. Pumpkin had fallen asleep in Peridot's lap, snoring away like a cocker spaniel on a lazy summer day. Peridot was also about to fall asleep, due to having nothing to put her energy into and not wanting to disturb Pumpkin. However, the silence was broken by something near under the radar if she hadn't been listening.

 

"... Er, Lapis?" Peridot whispered. She gently moved Pumpkin off of her lap, feeling bad for touching her while she was sleeping, then peered into the tub where the other was. "Are you okay?"

 

Lapis had her face buried into a pillow, her body covered in the blankets that littered the bathtub. If it hadn't been for the slight jerk of her blue body along with the sniffle, Peridot wouldn't have thought that something was up.

 

"... Go away," Lapis muffled.

 

"Are you crying?" Peridot asked.

 

"No."

 

She was. Peridot didn't even need to be an empath to know that. "Are you... gonna tell me what's wrong?" She gently questioned.

 

"No."

 

Yikes. Lapis was always so distant when she was emotional. Peridot merely backed away rather hesitantly, not wanting to keep poking the circus bear with a stick. Usually she'd just sit nearby in silence, saying not a word while Lapis cried until she was content. And it was rarely that she did this. And it was never that Lapis liked physical contact when she was like this.

 

Peridot hummed as she picked up Pumpkin, petting her a few times before pressing her lips to the surface of the pumpkin pet in a small kiss. "I'm gonna go to the living room with Pumpkin," she said, then walked out of the bathroom to let Lapis have her moment, closing the door when she left.

 

\---------------

 

Back at the Beta Kindergarten, the watering hole had gotten bigger. There was now a small oasis in the center of the gorge, surrounded by makeshift tents and shelters that the quartzes had made. Most felt joyous that they had accomplished something new that hadn't been on orders, rather free will. The oasis to them meant a sign of new beginnings.

 

To others, however, it was like the last few sands in an hourglass running out. Time was taunting Jasper with physical images now, reminding her that if she couldn't do much soon, then there'd be no time to fix herself. She'd be forever lost in a mucky black lake of sand, sinking forever in a bottomless pit of doubting her self worth and image.

 

What if corruption was inevitable? What if she succumbed back to the shape of a monster because she couldn't keep up with the pack and was left behind? How was it that her sisters could easily move on yet she was here making little to no progress?

 

Jasper had waited until most of the Gems had disappeared inside their makeshift homes to keep talking about the watering hole or other things they could make, her amber eyes particularly fixed on Amethyst and Steven as they left for the Warp Pad. Once an enemy now her ally, a superior in her midst, all she wanted now was to protect whatever form her Diamond was in at no matter the cost. She waited until the two had disappeared back to the Temple before she felt at ease enough to travel forward, toward the watering hole that the others had caved out. Some lanterns hung up on wooden poles outlined the rim of the water, the reflection of the lights like fireflies on the surface.

 

Jasper made her way to the edge of the water, peering into the liquid like she couldn't decode if it was safe enough to drink. She could see the shape of her horns in her reflection, which boiled her loathing towards herself. She wanted to file them down or even break them off, just so she wouldn't have to look at them any more.

 

Other Gems had it worse than her. Some didn't even retain humanoid forms any more. And yet, here she was, pitying her form now. The green blotches on her skin were disgusting. Her horns stuck out like a wild ox. Claws sharpened for war tipped her fingers, and her hair was twice as wild as it had once been. She felt like a werebeast trapped in the body it hated most, the body that reminded it of the victims it ate and tore apart like jerky.

 

Was there any good even left inside her? Who was to judge in even telling her was good was and wasn't? The war had left scars including blinding some's definitions of morality. Jasper couldn't tell what was what anymore. Whether she was still a soldier or now a veteran was blurred. She was still fighting, just... not in the way most would think of when they thought of the word 'war'.

 

With a grimace did she swipe at the water, creating ripples as she hit it. Jasper growled away from the watering hole, making her way to the empty cages further into the gorge where she had once kept corrupted Gems prisoner. She had once enslaved her own sisters in strive of revenge, the same faces that now were trying to make their own amends and setting civilization.

 

She felt... bad. More than she already felt for her appearance. Those Gems had a reason to avoid her or refuse talking to her. And, so did Lapis.

 

How in the name of Earth was she supposed to get better and get help if she didn't even have anyone to get help from? Did she have to make the journey herself? This was so stupid. It sucked.

 

Once Jasper had reached the empty cages, she slipped inside of one, lying down in the corner of the rocky space. Claw marks still raked the ceiling and sides of the carved sandstone, which made her ache. Those claw marks belonged to one of her sisters, perhaps Biggs if she had to guess.

 

Nobody had to forgive her. Neither did she blame them for what she did. This was what she deserved; to suffer alone. To put up with the consequences of her past sins.

 

Then, why did she so badly crave the thought of Lapis like candy? Why did she continue to serve her Diamond even after death and after her gemstone resided in a new temple to house it? If she had the chance, would she have unknowingly shattered her Diamond? 

 

The more she thought, the more sick she felt. The thoughts wouldn't leave her alone. They swarmed round and round like koi in a pond.

 

She had to be strong. She had to try and help her sisters if she could. 

 

After all, she wanted to heal. She wanted to make amends and make peace for what she had done wrong.

 

And jaspers kept going until they got what they wanted.


	5. A Warrior Defends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Corrupted Gem shenanigans.

"Pearl! Guys, this way!" Steven was quick to take the lead through the vast plains that were littered with dunes and sands in colors of gold and pink, the foot prints in the ground making the trail to the corrupted Gem that they were chasing after in the early afternoon.

 

"On it," Lapis spoke up before any of the other Crystal Gems could, taking to the sky faster than a fowl could fly. This wasn't her first rodeo, neither was it going to be her last as part of the team now. Rarely did she join these missions, but today she needed a distraction to veer away from her bothersome head. And nothing like some good adrenaline did the job.

 

Dark eyes scanned the sands below, searching like a hawk and prey. Eventually, Lapis' attention focused on the corrupted beast running ahead, and she gained a bit of speed with a flap of her wings. Once she caught up to the monster, she whirled around it, causing the huge animal to stop with a grunt of confusion. To it, she was probably like a bothersome horsefly.

 

Keeping the corrupted Gem from going any farther, Lapis made sure to keep flying near the face of the beast, avoiding its claws and teeth whenever it struck out at her. It was a game of cat and mouse, and she was determined to stay out of the grasp of being poofed or shattered.

 

Though, when she had flown up a little to keep a bit of distance between she and the creature, only then did she realize what she was looking at. This Gem was a corrupted quartz, wolf-like with a mane heavy in volume and horns sprouting from its head and mouth like a wild boar. Unlike the others she had helped wrangle before, this quartz also bore stripes and was colored like a tiger. It... looked like a... quartz.

 

"Lapis! Look out!" Steven's voice rang out too late when the team had caught up. Paralyzed in the air, the ocean Gem had trouble moving out of the way in time when the corrupted beast lashed out with its front claws. Her water wings dissipated as soon as physical contact was made, the monster slapping her body out of the air and forcing her to the ground. Lapis grunted in pain, the Gem pinning her down rather forcefully.

 

Although she hadn't seen Jasper fully corrupted before, there was no denying that this one was the same Gem kind, if not similar. It gave an eerie sort of feeling, haunted. Lapis was frozen in place, eyes wide as she stared up at her attacker.

 

Before she could be bitten into or ripped apart, a pink shield formed above her, deflecting the corrupted Gem from hurting her. It roared loudly in dissatisfaction, and Steven kept the shield raised high while Pearl slid in to start working at getting Lapis free. With a stab of her spear, the beast let go of Lapis, who immediately rolled away and out of the danger zone.

 

The rest of the team regrouped, Bismuth taking one side of the Gem and Garnet taking the other. Peridot leaped up onto its mane, seemingly doing nothing much as she shouted a bunch of insults and gibberish. Lapis took one good look at the corrupted Gem once she had decent distance away from it, her body feeling cold.

 

This wasn't the Jasper she knew, but... Then... why did she...? If this was, if it had been, if Jasper had never been uncorrupted, if she was looking Jasper in the face-! What would she do? Would she have still frozen? Would she have fought back? Would she have shattered her?

 

Remaining standing out of reach, Lapis only snapped back into reality once the Gem had been finally poofed. She blinked once, then combed through her hair with her fingers, ignoring the Crystal Gems as they talked about their accomplishments and bubbled the corrupted Gem. She glanced to the ground, hoping nobody would see her and invite her over. She felt awkward whenever everyone got mushy and complimented each other. Even if she was a part of the team now, it felt... weird. She felt like an ugly duckling among a group of mallard duck babies, the only gray and long necked one in a bunch of yellow and brown adorable chicks.

 

Taking a few more steps back, Lapis shied away from the group in favor of keeping her own personal space. She did her part anyway, or the best she could in a hot and arid desert environment. And now that the mission was over with, she didn't know what to do besides just... let everyone do their thing.

 

She sucked at socializing. Granted, unless it involved Steven of course or was a topic that annoyed her. Besides, this teamwork thing was still so new to her. It was a cooperative effort, instead of a solo individual thing where she'd only have to worry about herself.

 

With arms crossed over her chest, Lapis let the Crystal Gems proceed to have their moment, then began to casually walk back to the group as if she had been there the whole time once she realized that the mushy stuff was ending. Thank the stars.

 

"That was great! Are you okay, Lapis?" Steven asked with a grin.

 

"Yeah," Lapis shrugged. "I'm fine." She stared in disbelief when Steven had hugged her, eventually returning the gesture until he had to pull away. Behind him, Amethyst and Peridot's facial expressions changed into one of shock, eyes wide. What? It was normal for Steven to usually hug her...?

 

"Oh man, hold onto your butts, this ain't over yet," Bismuth commented, staring past Lapis.

 

Catching gist of what was going on, Lapis spun around just in time to see another corrupted quartz stop behind her. It's mouth was open agape, drool dripping from its mouth. Oh. Great. More of these things to deal with.

 

Clenching her hands into fists, the ocean Gem bent her knees slightly, ready to defend herself if necessary. This Gem was a creamy tan, blotched with gray and black. Its tongue lolled out of its mouth, panting like it had been running for miles.

 

"Heads up," Amethyst smirked, summoning her whip. She cracked it toward the corrupted quartz, who growled in response. It shook itself out before lunging forward, making Lapis jump out of the way and skid onto the sandy ground in order to avoid being smashed.

 

"Whoa- guuUUUUYS!" Steven cried out as the monster picked him up by his shirt, scampering off with him like a trophy.

 

"Steven!" Over a third of the team called, immediately chasing after the beast. Lapis followed, summoning her wings in the blink of an eye. But, before she could catch up, something, or someone, had ran ahead of her.

\------------

 

Although Jasper had been pursuing this specific Gem for a while now after it had ran though the gorge, her stamina hadn't failed her and her determination ran strong.

 

Her intent wasn't to hurt this Gem. It was a quartz, just like her. Rather, instead, she was interested in catching it for herself. She'd be the one who healed her, and she'd be the one to welcome her to the oasis in the gorge once healed.

 

But, plans change. And now? After this brat decided to charge through the Crystal Gems and snatch up Steven, Jasper was set on protecting her Diamond. She hadn't even bothered to pay attention to whoever she rushed by, picking up speed to cut the corrupted Gem off.

 

The striped quartz slammed herself head first into the beast, knocking it aside. She was quick to catch Steven when he was flung free, setting him down gently before glaring at the corrupted monster. A sister was in there, and until she could be free, she'd do what she had to in order to protect both parties. "Step aside, child of Pink," she ordered. The corrupted Gem shakily rose back up to its feet with a snarl.

 

"Jasper?" The offspring of her Diamond, Steven, sounded dumbfounded.

 

"Stay out of this. You'd hurt yourself," Jasper stated firmly. "All of you!" She yelled to the rest of the Crystal Gems who had finally caught up. "Leave this to me! It's between me and her." She focused her yellow glare on the monster, cracking her knuckles. "Want a piece of this?" She mocked. "I know you're in there, Dalmatian. Quit playing!"

 

Since she had gotten two horns on her head, summoning her crash helmet got more difficult. Sometimes it even hurt, but, she bore it all for to protect her Diamond. Jasper's weapon appeared in a flash, and she charged right when the corrupted Gem ran towards her. The two collided, bashing heads like wild elk, Jasper grunting in effort to ward away the attacker.

 

"You should've thought twice before you messed with me," Jasper proudly boasted, gradually falling to the ground on all fours in order to sink her back heels into the sand to stick her place. She forcefully pushed the Gem away with a hit of her head, bringing her helmet down to smack the corrupted Gem upside the face. Though feeling bad for her sister, she couldn't give up. Not now.

 

The patchy Gem hissed, and Jasper quickly landed another blow. She pulled her fist back before she landed a firm punch, blowing the corrupted quartz back once more. Jasper followed after her, grabbing one leg and pulling it in the opposite direction than how it was supposed to bend until the Gem poofed with a howl. She then grabbed the gemstone, hoping she hadn't caused too much pain as she brought the stone back to the group. "Here," she said, dropping it into Pearl's hands.

 

"How did you...?" Pearl was in awe, bubbling the gemstone before she sent it back to the Temple where it'd be brought to the Diamonds later for healing.

 

"Holy crap, sis! That was awesome!" Amethyst beamed. "Did you see how she totally head butted that thing?!"

 

"That was impressive," Bismuth nodded.

 

"Eh. I could've done better," Peridot sniffed.

 

Jasper blinked, looking at the various faces before her. Being praised felt... wonderful.

 

"Jasper! That was amazing!" Steven complimented. "You didn't hurt her too hard, did you?"

 

Jasper shook her head. "We're tougher than we look," she assured, the best praise of all coming from her Diamond.

 

One face in the crowd however, wasn't so happy to see her.

 

Lapis merely glared at her before she started walking away, heading back to the gorge and the Warp Pad there earlier than anyone else could. Jasper only rolled her eyes at the sight. She had the right to protect her sisters and her Diamond. It wasn't like she intended to find Lapis again! She didn't even know the Crystal Gems would be here until a few moments ago!

 

The blue brat was ruining her path to redemption.


	6. Beginning to Tame the Tiger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper starts her path of redemption. Meanwhile, Lapis continues to be angsty.

The gorge was no unfamiliar feat to Jasper; even with its new makeshift homes and now an oasis, this was her home, and the faces around were her family. As she strutted through the environment, leading along the Crystal Gems and showing them around, she especially took great pride in receiving some of Steven's compliments.

 

"It's kind of weird," he said. "Peridot and I tried to make the Prime Kindergarten have some life again. We tried planting flowers, but, that didn't work."

 

"That's the Prime Kindergarten," Jasper huffed. "This is the Beta Kindergarten. It's better than that ramshackle." She stopped at the edge of the oasis. "Here, there's so much you don't know about it." She was talking like as if she wanted to be seen as wise, even when the truth was that even she didn't know much about her own home. On top of that, both Kindergartens were equally as rushed and could be both as bad.

 

"So you just... made this watering hole?" Pearl questioned.

 

Jasper shrugged. "Skinny was the one to find it," she explained. "We all contributed after. It's our oasis now."

 

"Aw, and you didn't call me over for this?" Amethyst whined. "I feel heartbroken, sis."

 

Jasper grunted. "As if a runt like you can handle big quartz business," she teased, before pouncing forward and ruffling up Amethyst's hair. It was something she had seen other quartzes do and enjoy, and if anything, if it helped to get her on better terms with this group, she'd do practically anything. "You'd get crushed in a second." She roughly gave the purple quartz a noogie.

 

"Untrue! This water hole would be three times bigger with my help," Amethyst retorted, slipping out of Jasper's grasp. She lightly put her hand on Steven's shoulder. "With our help!"

 

"And mine," Bismuth offered. "I rebuilt part of the Temple when it was taken out in action."

 

"With my supervision of course," Pearl spoke. "And, Peridot's blueprints."

 

"You'd all be lost without my calculations," Peridot smugly grinned. "Although I'm still iffy with one of the support beams."

 

"I used wood, like in the original model," Bismuth pointed out.

 

"And now we have half of an obnoxious support beam sticking out three quarters of a right angle where it shouldn't be in the ceiling," Peridot hummed. "It should've been smooth, and cut less messy. It's jagged edges could cut someone if they're seven feet tall!"

 

"We can't all be perfect, tiny P.," Bismuth stated. "You should be good anyway. You're much too small to worry about your head." Amethyst snickered while Peridot looked embarrassed.

 

"You all build?" Jasper intervened. She seemed intense for a moment before her expression loosened, awkwardly rubbing the back of her head. "You could always come here I guess. We still need better houses, just don't tell Carnelian I said that." She was confused. The Crystal Gems seemed so... willing to help her. Even her own technical Diamond-! It felt so wrong. She felt like they should still be enemies, like she should still be regarded as a threat. But, she wanted to heal, and she wanted to make amends after discovering the truth.

 

"We can help anytime," Pearl gently assured. "Homes, rooms, anything. After that stunt you pulled with helping us capture that corrupted Gem, I think we owe it to you anyway as a token of our thanks."

 

Was this the approval she needed to keep to the path of good intent? It felt... warm. And it was awfully quick to come to her. Perhaps had it not been for the luck of a corrupted Gem in the loose, she would've never proved herself worthy of change.

 

"Hmph. You don't have to. But, I'm not stopping you." Jasper was ready to embrace her goal. If she remained loyal, it'd all be within reach soon. "Besides, I could track those corrupted brats easy if you're still rounding them up and uncorrupting them."

 

She could prove that she was as good a Gem as she was a warrior. If needed, she'd become a Crystal Gem.

 

\------------------

 

How could they all have just... complimented her like that?! After everything she did?! She once tried to kill Steven, actually a few times before, and this was how they acted to it. Like it was nothing! Like Jasper won their hearts over with a little trick!

 

Maybe Lapis was just jealous. Maybe she was envious of how sudden and abrupt it was. Jasper, of all Gems, being for once not pursued by the Crystal Gems?!

 

The ocean Gem scrunched up her face as she sat in the bathtub, a blanket underneath her to help pad her bare feet while her sandals sat on the floor outside the tub.

 

She didn't understand; Jasper was a bad Gem. She did many bad things!

 

_You think anybody would want to help me after I had taken down their friends by the masses?_

 

Jasper's words echoed back to her. After what she had said, no, fed her, it turned out to be a lie. Just look at how quick the quartz had been so accepted! Offered compliments and all!

 

_You're interested in what I have to say. You're also finding it hard to cope with all of this, because you too can't move on. You're just as lost as I am. You don't know what to do._

 

Lapis sat in silence, mentally replaying that specific quote. There was no way that she was over thinking or was jealous of this. There was no way that Jasper was a good person.

 

... What even made someone 'good'?

 

Lapis could remember with a pang of guilt that she wasn't good if good meant no murders. Back in the war, she had drowned armies of humans. As for if good meant someone who was kind and caring, that was also out of the picture. She was so... so...

 

She broke Peridot's tape recorder. She could've drowned Steven and Connie. She broke Steven's father's leg. She stole the ocean. She kept Jasper prisoner and abused her on end because she wanted a personal punching bag. She betrayed HomeWorld. She took the barn. She stole the barn. She broke the barn. She flew away instead of helping to fight back...

 

Her eyes felt watery. Her chest was heavy. Lapis felt like she was drowning.

 

She was jealous. And she was jealous because Jasper seemed so... innocent, when compared by their crimes. Jasper killed many during the war. But, she also just followed orders like checking perimeter. She didn't steal an ocean or take a barn or leave her friends in harm's way because she was too scared to help fight off the threat!

 

Jasper was in a way, better than her. And that made her feel very uncomfortable. It should be the other way around. It should-! Though, the more she thought, the more she saw past the black and white border.

 

The aquatic Gem felt cheated. She felt lied to. She felt like everyone only stayed with her because they were scammed. She hated it. She hated feeling this way, like she were about to cause a tsunami.

 

Everyone had treated her like some goddess while Jasper got rocks pelted at her metaphorically. The greater of the two evils was given parole.

 

For the love of nebula, Jasper was...

 

 _Right_.

 

She hated dwelling in her mind for so long. Maybe she was corrupting herself. Maybe Jasper had wormed into her head and changed her interpretation. Maybe... just maybe... Maybe she was a monster after all.

 

Monsters deserved to be caged, hung. Monsters deserved to be behind bars. Monsters deserved to be punished. All her life, she had been doing so; forcing herself to neglect help because she believed she didn't deserve it and kept running away because she believed everyone was better off without her. Maybe she needed to be caged again. Maybe she needed to be cracked.

 

Lapis couldn't even tell if she was arguing with herself or simply throwing a mental pity party.

 

She was so... lost.

 

Was thinking like this even normal?

 

She leaned back against the rim of the tub with a huff, bothering to make sure her gemstone wasn't hit in the process.

 

The sound of the Warp being used made her snap back up in an upright sitting position, slightly peeved that she couldn't have closed her eyes for a bit. Maybe it was for the best. Lapis groaned as she decided to get out to avoid having anyone ask what she had been doing, collecting her pair of golden flip flops as she stepped out of the bathtub. Lazily did she make her way over to the door, and opened it.

 

Her eyes widened. She had specifically made it clear that she definitely didn't want this certain Gem staying here. So...

 

... Why in the scourge of all the Diamonds was Jasper here?!


	7. Drowning, Dying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> // Ho man I am bad at updates

"Why is _SHE_ here?!"

 

Before Jasper knew it, she was hit in the face with a golden sandal. The quartz glared toward where the sandal had came from after shaking her head, just in time to see Steven rushing over to Lapis who was holding the other shoe in a threatening posture like a kid who was having a fit for being put in timeout.

 

"Lapis! Please don't fight- Jasper's not staying long," he attempted to calm down the irate blue Gem. Not staying long, huh? That was pathetic. She came here with the plan of staying here at least long enough to help with the corrupted Gems running around issue and make sure all her sisters were accounted for...

 

"Get out of the way, Steven," Lapis warned. Pearl went over to help calm down the aquatic witch.

 

"Let's all settle down, we're all tired and exhausted and grumpy," Pearl said. She retrieved the sandal that Lapis had thrown and returned it to her, even if Lapis looked irritated by the gesture. "I know it's still going to be a while for everyone to get used to the idea of... this."

 

"I'm already used to it," Amethyst shrugged. "We're pretty much on the same page."

 

Lapis grumbled loud enough for everyone to hear. "Are you serious?" She yelled. "Jasper had literally tried to go after Steven more than three times!"

 

"And you almost drowned him once," Pearl returned sharply.

 

"That's in the past," Lapis spat.

 

"Exactly," Pearl pointed out. "The war is over, and our past is behind us. Jasper and the Diamonds are on our side now."

 

"No, they aren't! You're being deceived," Lapis argued.

 

"Uh, guys-?" Steven spoke up.

 

"I'm kind of with Pearl," Peridot nervously said. "But, Lapis, I don't think... you know, that-"

 

"What, you're going to say that I'm wrong?!" Lapis challenged.

 

Peridot shook her head. "Nonono-! Pearl's right, I used to be tall and intimidating and- I kidnapped Steven once! I was gonna say that you shouldn't raise your voice over nothing! The Diamonds-"

 

"Nothing?! Is this nothing to you, Peridot? Am I  _ nothing _ ?!" Lapis spat sourly.

 

"Relax, we're all-" Bismuth started.

 

"What's the issue?" Pearl broke in. "We should start accepting each other if we-"

 

"No. Jasper is never going to be one of us," Lapis interrupted.

 

Jasper stared blankly. She was about to start giving her own fired up two cents in the conversation before Garnet spoke. "We could be destined to be one force. Unless, we fall apart from unstable securities, as I see."

 

"... What?" Lapis wasn't excited to hear that.

"We are a team. Our efforts come as a team." Garnet took off her shades, her eyes fixed on Lapis. "We could learn from our mistakes and heal. Or, we could collapse under personal matters."

 

"... Meaning?" Lapis dared ask to clarify.

 

"Meaning that if we don't learn and don’t see our faults, we’ve set ourselves up to fall." Garnet put her shades back on. "I suggest we don't, and at least try. Try, like Jasper."

 

Jasper felt her cheeks warm up at the mention of her name. Did this mean that her efforts would be successful? Garnet was a seer, and she wanted to know what she saw.

 

Lapis narrowed her eyes, fists at her sides. Steven looked worried.

 

"This... is unbelievable," Lapis murmured under her breath. She stomped toward the door and stepped outside, summoning her water wings before flying off to who knows where.

"Garnet?" Pearl questioned. "I think we need a clarification. What's going on?"

 

Garnet hummed. "I can't say much," she shrugged. "Except, that Lapis has a long way to go. We define ourselves through our actions. If we cannot try to define ourselves better and accept the definitions that change come new information, it's going to be rough.”

"So, Lapis is in trouble?" Steven asked. "We could help her! All of us! I know she has trouble with Jasper but, she just needs help."

 

"Trouble?" Jasper huffed. Did Lapis hate her? Ugh. She couldn't entirely blame her…

 

"Yeah, after the whole... you guys fusing thing," Steven cleared up. "I forgive you, but I don't know if Lapis does."

 

"Hah! Believe me, she doesn't," Peridot confirmed. "I personally can stand you if you don't try to push me around, but Lapis is sensitive. She doesn't even like your name said around her. I bent over backwards to keep her happy, though she's still... ehhh..."

 

"You can say it," Amethyst encouraged. "Bitchy."

 

"Nonono-"

 

"Amethyst!" Pearl covered Steven's ears. "Language, please!"

 

"Dude, she stole and wrecked your barn," Amethyst reminded. "You did everything to help keep her happy and that's what you get."

 

Jasper felt awkward.

 

"Everything's different now. We're family," Steven piped up. "I just want everybody to get along."

 

"I'm sorry, Steven," Pearl consoled. "It might be awhile before we all see eye to eye."

Peridot rubbed her arms, looking troubled.

 

"Can we please stop fighting?" Steven suggested. "I don't know what's going on and I know I can't control everything, but, fighting isn't going to help us. I think Lapis needs some space."

 

Jasper glanced to Peridot, unable to quiet herself before curiosity had gotten a grip on her. "She destroyed your home?"

 

"Not on purpose! I'm sure," Peridot gave a lopsided frown. "Lapis is just... mysterious. She's fun when she wants to be. You just have to do things to keep her happy-..." She paused. "Er, if she was happy. I'd do anything so she isn't uncomfortable. Oh, you should’ve seen our cooperative effort aquarium-”  
 

"Lapis is having a tantrum. She's acting like she's the victim when really, it's Peri here," Amethyst started. "Dude, you even told me how she took all your Canadian soap opera tapes."

 

"She was going through a rough time," Peridot shrugged. “She liked discussing my chart of superior ships and watching season three episode t-”

 

"Guys-!" Steven tried to defuse the conversation.

 

"That doesn't mean she can just walk all over you," Amethyst replied. "P's right, it's different now. Lapis needs to chill and forget the past."

Garnet pursed her lips before she took a step back. Jasper wondered if it was because the fusion knew what'd happen next.

 

"Oh, for the love of..." Pearl sighed.

 

"Hey, if everybody's talking, can I contribute?" Bismuth joked, only for the arguing to continue.

 

"Lapis is fine how she is," Peridot defended. "None of you know that because none of you lived with her! I’ve seen her laugh and smile, even cry-!”

 

"Then why did she leave you and take the barn with her?" Amethyst pressed. “How come she… ya know, made you feel like utter crap?”

 

"I did not feel that way! She came back in the end! She fought with us!" Peridot pointed out.

 

This was getting ridiculous. Jasper stepped forward and then let her fist fly as she knelt down to punch the ground. Immediately that got the attention of everyone, the sound of wood snapping under her knuckles. "Shut up!" She snarled before turning to Steven. "... I'll fix it later," she promised, gesturing to the newly made small hole in the floor. "Say what you need to."

 

Steven cleared his throat before he filled the silence. "We need to stop fighting, this is getting us nowhere," he said. "Can't we just... talk things out? The war's over, we're together now. We're all Crystal Gems! And so is everyone in the gorge! Lion, my dad, Connie, the Diamonds... we're a team."

"I guess," Amethyst murmured.

 

"We're sorry, Steven," Pearl apologized, even if she wasn't one of the roots of the argument. Jasper found it weird how she seemed to always be sorry and so calm about everything. "Listen, let's all take Stevens advice and take a moment to disengage. Take a deep breath in, and walk away from this conversation."

 

"And what are we supposed to do about... ahem?" Amethyst prodded.

 

"We give her space, and I can talk to her once she's back," Steven answered.

 

"And, what am I supposed to do?" Jasper spoke up, feeling like she required an order from her Diamond.

 

"I can show you the Gems we caught in the Boiler room," Steven said. "I think there's seven in there now; Dalmatian, Citrine... I think some kind of agate? There's still a lot we need to find before they hurt themselves."

"Fine by me." Jasper cracked her knuckles. "Give me anything to track down. I'll find it one way or another."

 

\----------------

 

**_“What are you doing!?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“I’m DONE being everyone’s prisoner. Now you’re my prisoner, and I’m never letting you go!”_

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** _ Sea foam bubbled all around. The ocean reeked of death and pain, torture and suffering.  _

 

_ There was no air,  no sound. It was white noise, static. Empty. Desolate. _

 

_ Chains around Lapis’ wrist remained stationary without even having to use any strength, s _ _ lowly losing what sanity and happiness she had left, rejecting all even Steven just to at least try to control Malachite. Being about her self sacrifices to keep Steven and only Steven safe, she’d sacrifice any chance she could've with joining the gems, and exchanging it too guarantee Steven's safety, the safety of her savior. _

 

**_“Brat! You lied to me!”_ ** _ Jasper’s howling rage pierced through the water, the frustration of the beast creating ripples underneath Lapis’ feet.  _ **_“Let me go!”_ **

**_  
_ ** _   
_ _ Lapis didn’t even answer. She simply stared down at the quartz underneath the water, watching as Jasper’s gnashing teeth flashed white and her muscles rippled with nothing but pure hate. There was something so… serene about watching her squirm, watching her beg to be let free. _

 

_ Lapis had her punching bag, and she was damned if she would let it go easy without feeling the same fear and exhaustion that she had; the same loneliness, the same coldness, the same emptiness as the mirror. Reflecting nothing but misery. _

 

**_“Look what you’ve done.”_ ** _ Lapis had begun to speak without even meaning to.  _ **_“Look at us.”_ **

 

_ They had been a beautiful yet deadly monarch, a snake who bore gorgeous scales and coiled in the most seductive of ways. Their fangs bore venom strong enough to kill, yet they were beautiful, met on the same levels of destruction. Jasper had been born to kill. Lapis had been born to run. But, combined? They had been born to get revenge. _

 

_ Jasper wanted to avenge the murderer of her Diamond. _

 

_ Lapis wanted to avenge for her imprisonment.  _

 

_ The killer was behind bars, and Lapis was proud of it. Her creation had sprouted in hate, and it had been birthed in grief.  _

 

_ Malachite was their prison, their hatred, their screaming and crying. _

 

_ Malachite was their child. _

 

_ And Malachite was their grave. _

 

_ Inside that Gem, Lapis’ freedom and happiness had died. Jasper’s world had crumbled. _

 

**_“Are you alive?”_ **

 

**_“I am.”_ **

 

**_“Have you sinned? Have you killed?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“I have. I have.”_

 

**_“Are you tired? Are you lost?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“I am. I am.”_

**_  
_ ** **_“Is that why you cry?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“It is..”_

 

**_“Is that why you imprison?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“What?”_

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Is that why you abandon? Is that why you’re too scared to love?”_ ** **_  
_ ** ****

**_  
_ ** **_“I…”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** **_“Is that why you push away? Is that why you cannot conquer your demons?”_ ** ****

 

**_“Demons are for humans.”_ **

 

**_“You don’t have to be human to understand life, to understand empathy, to understand humanity. Is there a difference between justice and revenge?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“Yes-”_

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“They both end in death. What is the difference?”_

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“Justice is to get even.”_

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“So is revenge.”_

 

**_“...”_ **

 

**_“The orange one is screaming again. Try to fight for peace, will you?”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“...”_

 

**_“I see. She’s pulled too hard. You’ve fallen apart. Your hands are soaked in blood. I’ll see you later.”_ **

**_  
_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_“...”_

 

Lapis sat on the edge of the cliff that bore the lighthouse, back to looking out at the sea where whales sang and dolphins leaped. Her mind was empty for once, nothing but a static white noise that was sizzling and simmering like a pot of hot water.

 

… Perhaps she had maybe, overreacted, back at the Temple.

 

But she didn’t want to  _ live _ with Jasper, she didn’t want to live with the reminder of her past.

 

_ But Peridot and Steven were also reminders. So was Pearl, to a degree. What was the difference? _

 

What could she do? What should she do? 

 

The world was dim and bleak, lonely and quiet. She could guess she wouldn’t be welcome after what she had done. Steven’s face had frightened her when he saw her chuck her sandal at Jasper, and yet she had persisted and yelled. She had lashed out. What if she had gone too far?

 

Lapis took a deep breath in to savor the taste of the ocean breeze, which was ripe with the twige of fresh sea salt. She wanted her life to be free so bad, although the obstacles prevented her. She wanted to fight the war and win. She struggled, she fought, she begged and she screamed.

 

Yet, she lost.

 

And now? That distant shore that she had wished for had slipped out of her fingers. The second she had it, it was lost. Nobody would want her, nor wish to be around her after what she had done; stolen the ocean, nearly drowned her savior and his friend, hurt his father, took away the hopes of one Gem and crushed the dreams of another, unleashed her anger and her pain upon a different one and  _ enjoyed _ it.

 

And it was all her fault.


End file.
